Why do beauty and fitness commercials keep lying and why do I keep believing them? For example, not long ago while waiting at the hospital I picked up a magazine. The entire front cover was all about beauty secrets and fitness. Even though I knew better I turned to page 87. Out of boredom or just being a dupe I wrote down several items to buy at Walgreens. I ended up buying several beauty products and my purse was gleaned of $37.43. The Aveeno Positively Ageless Daily Moisturizer was supposed to give my face a healthy glow even without make up. NOT! The only thing that could bring a glow to my face would be if someone spiked my peppermint tea with Jack Daniel.

And then there’s hair color, women who grow up blond resist the words gray or mousy. Those two words are not to be found in our vocabulary. Thank goodness I now have a hair stylist that I can trust for a truly natural look. Back in 2008 I got over processed by an over active beautician. For several weeks people were coming up and telling me, “I voted for you.” Obviously they mistook me for John McCain.

Last but not least was the case of the Shake Weight. I should have known my arms would never look like the model’s arms on the box. Her arms were bands of steel that could support a bridge. But I paid twenty dollars and took it home eager to try it out. The ad said, “Just 5 minutes a day.” My arms had already been mistaken for the flag waving in a breeze. People were saluting me as my arm rested on the car window. When I got home with the Shake Weight I immediately began looking for the battery.

To my shock and dismay I found out quickly that I was the battery. I managed to shake for thirty seconds and almost knocked my glasses off. I noticed a warning sign on the box with a big red X saying not to shake the way I was shaking. That was on Friday, so on Sunday afternoon I returned the weapon to Wal-Mart. I always get scared and intimidated if a certain woman is working returns. I call her the return sheriff. Sure enough I ended up in her line and she eyed me suspiciously.

I tried to be brave and unafraid when she said, “Has this been used?” I stammered, “Well, yes, but I found out it doesn’t have a battery.” She looked at my glasses that were now sitting whop-sided on my face. She said, “These don’t have batteries, you should have looked at the box better.”

She did give me back my twenty dollars and I hastily left her line. As I was leaving I noticed an entire section of fitness items. My eyes fell on a magazine cover that read, “Beautiful ABS in just five days.” I kept walking and didn’t look back.

Kaye Steadman lives in Chickamauga. She is a storyteller, published writer and author of the book “My Name's Not Verly.” She can be reached at kayesteadman@aol.com or follow her on Facebook.